[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
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Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer