[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
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#Caturday
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
The Compass
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.