[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
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Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
The Sun’s probably Asian.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife