*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
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We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
From Facebook just now…
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.