[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
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“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.