[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
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[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.