holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
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He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention