Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
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10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.