{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
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[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!