[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
You Might Also Like
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”