[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
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*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Never be a pizza!
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.