ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
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Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
What if all the cashiers are married?
Cause of death: Zumba
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Coffee for people with no kids
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.