Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
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Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.