You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
You Might Also Like
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.