[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
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I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.