[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
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Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys