[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
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Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Thanks to a fan for this one.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
50 shades of grey = my Liver
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.