Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
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love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.