First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
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In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying