*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
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If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
My five year plan is a meteorite
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?