*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
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if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.