Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
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ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.