I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
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*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed