[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
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Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂