[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
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I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.