*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
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Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.