[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
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*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”