[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
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“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Rt to bother an English speaker
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
these two trucks have the same bed length
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.