*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
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This could’ve been an email.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me