This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
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My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
May your day taste like creamy soup.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”