[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
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[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form