[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
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Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar