[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
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There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
I needed a laugh this morning.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Me irl
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.