[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
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Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Not messing around
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.