[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
You Might Also Like
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
The Others (2001)
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?