[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
You Might Also Like
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
What even happened today?
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
OH. COME. ON.