[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
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When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.