[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
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Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…