[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
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Bless you
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?