[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
You Might Also Like
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.