[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
You Might Also Like
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.