[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
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Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID