[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
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I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.