[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
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“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Bringing home a sharpie
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”