[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
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I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”