[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
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Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Fiction has to make sense.