[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
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Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
S M O L
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN