[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
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Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Body by sandwich.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty