Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
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DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
This did not end as expected.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
crochet youtube is brutal
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.