got so much cardio in today
You Might Also Like
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Cake!!
tinder is all about the long game
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Anyone want a chair?
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
This is my emotional support knife.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.